Nope, this question is not about one of the misconceptions about love: that jealousy is a sign of true love—and that the lack of it means there’s no real love.
No, that’s not where I’m going with this!
So now that we put that aside... When you hear the word jealousy, it probably doesn’t bring up the most positive feelings. We often think of it as something destructive, the green-eyed monster that eats away at trust and connection. But what if jealousy could actually be… helpful?
Let’s take a closer look at jealousy—what it really is, how it shows up, and how it might actually strengthen our relationships when we approach it with curiosity instead of judgment.
What Is Jealousy, Really?
Jealousy is often misunderstood, mixed up with envy, but they’re not fully the same. Jealousy usually shows up when we fear losing something we already have, like a connection with someone close to us. For example, you might feel jealous if your best friend suddenly spends more time with a new person, leaving you feeling left out.
Envy, on the other hand, is about wanting something someone else has: their lifestyle, their success, their opportunities. Both emotions are potent (like any emotion, really), but here I’m talking about the kind of jealousy that’s lighter, more manageable—not the overwhelming kind that controls or manipulates without any awareness.
For me, jealousy is often a clear sign. It points me toward vulnerability, longings and unmet needs, helping me see something about myself or my relationships that I might not have noticed otherwise.
A Sign Worth Celebrating
Here’s the thing: I don’t feel jealousy easily in my romantic or sexual relationships. So when it does appear, I pay attention. It’s like a little signal saying, Look deeper.
What I usually find underneath jealousy is a vulnerable part of me—something that feels a little unsafe or needs reassurance. I can explore the request that might come from that feeling, for example: Can we create more quality time together this week, just the two of us? I’m a big fan of making direct requests, as they’re a powerful tool to teach others how to love us. We all feel loved and cared for in different ways.
And yes, it’s true: rejection is always a possibility. Someone might tell you they can’t meet your expressed needs—an opportunity to explore what else is in your toolbox of self-care and co-regulation. (How to deal with rejection? That’s a topic for another blog post!)
There was a time when I didn’t think I could even feel jealousy, just like I couldn’t connect with anger. Back then, recognizing jealousy felt impossible. Now, when it shows up, I celebrate myself for noticing it. And I get curious: What is this really about, and what can I request so this might even upgrade our relationship?
Jealousy as a Balancing Act
Jealousy can also remind us of the importance of balance in relationships. I’ve learned that it’s healthy for me and my partner to have our own friends, hobbies, and interests, alongside the ones we share.
However, I grew up with parents that did eve-ry-thing together. So when jealousy pops up for me, it's usually one of these two things:
Either I am comparing my relationship with what I have seen before (aka my conditioning), even when I learned historically that this isn't the kind of relating I feel good with. Old perspectives are creeping in, so this is a great moment to remind myself: it is good for us to both have our individual sides. This serves us.
Or, it can be a sign that something needs adjusting (read above: I feel it rarely so when I do, I listen to it). Maybe I’m craving more one-on-one time or feeling like I’m not as much of a priority as I'd like to be in this relationship. Instead of letting jealousy spiral into resentment, I can use it as a cue to check in—both with myself and the other. This might mean having a conversation, or even just taking a moment to reflect on what I really need in that moment.
Rekindling Attraction
Jealousy, in small doses, can actually spark excitement in a relationship. It challenges any sense of entitlement we might have—like taking our friend’s attention, time, or affection for granted.
When I feel some jealousy, it often wakes me up to how much I value the person I’m with. It reminds me why I’m drawn to them in the first place and helps me see them through fresh eyes. This can reignite attraction and keep the connection alive, whether it’s with a romantic partner, a colleague or a close friend (because, boy, I can certainly feel jealousy with my girlfriends!).
Discovering Hidden Desires
Here’s one that’s often more obvious with envy but can absolutely apply to jealousy, too—it can show us something we didn’t know we wanted!
Instead of getting stuck in feeling sour or turning green in the face, we might find ourselves inspired. Maybe it’s discovering a new activity, initiating a fresh connection, or exploring a part of ourselves we hadn’t tapped into before. Think about it: aren’t the people you sometimes envy often the ones you’d also say, “Wow, you really inspire me”?
Jealousy, too, holds this creative energy. In relationships, it might highlight a longing for something deeper or more alive, a part of yourself or your connection that’s ready to grow. Both emotions have the power to guide us into something new, if we’re willing to listen, he he.
How to Use Jealousy as a Guide
So, how do we turn jealousy into something constructive? I'd say that for me, the key is curiosity. Instead of pushing it away or ignoring it, you can ask yourself:
- What is this feeling really about?
- What’s the vulnerable part of me that needs attention?
- Is there a longing or unmet need underneath?
Once you’ve gotten clear, you can decide how to move forward. Maybe it’s a personal shift—like setting an intention to nurture your own needs—or maybe it’s a conversation with the person involved. Either way, jealousy can be a powerful tool for growth and connection if we let it.
Let’s Keep the Conversation Going
What about you? How do you experience jealousy in your life? Does it feel like an inspiration, or is it more of a challenge to navigate?
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let’s keep exploring these feelings together and see how they can open new doors for connection.
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